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[10 Jun 2007|10:50pm] |
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The sheets of paper with the emboldened characters "Graphing Techniques" have been staring nonchalantly at me for almost the past hour, reciprocated by my unfruitful gaze. The shapes and equations on them just enter my mind as a nondescript slur, canceled out by the burgeoning burden of thoughts and ideas amalgamated with sudden bouts of emotional whams. Feels like quarter life crisis. I desperately need to sort out my thoughts.
Recently, the sense of urgency arising from the fact that 2 remaining weeks to blocks might not ratify my resolve to re-enact my feat of sec 4 or last year's blocks, just seems so deja vu-ed. And its non-sequitur to keep thinking that life is so deterministic that your role is just to exist, because it murders the resolve to achieve goals, like what is happening now. These days iam starting to really believe that life holds much more than what I used to think it constitutes; will write more next time.
Allowed myself an indulgence yesterday, when i decided to pop by yamaha at thomson after fixing my specs. And what was intended to be just minutes of amorous admiration of the grands become an hour of symphonic, pianistic exuberance, abetted by the studio like sound proofed environment where other than the magical sonance of piano hammers hitting strings you hear almost nothing else. Exuberance, period. from the wavering and fervid incontinence of chopin, Schubert's impassioned intricacies to the dinghy mechanics of Scarlatti. Sometimes iam prompted to think that it is times like these when i actually start to feel what life can offer. This is so paradoxical. I feel life when i dont need to give a care to the world.
Anyhow, i want to be a musician in my next life.
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[07 Jun 2007|10:59pm] |
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The personality tests keep pointing to the same thing. I used discredit all the astrology nonsense because it doesn't fit into the whole logical framework pertaining to how personalities develop; still doesn't, but iam inclined to ponder this stand again because of the shocking degree of truth in the result of some astro test from yida. Am curious about how the psc 16pF will verify my INFJ-ness.
So, life is highly deterministic after all.
Name: Jeremy Ong
October 28 1989
7:40 PM Time Zone is AWST
Singapore, SING
Rising Sign is in 18 Degrees Taurus
Calm and deliberate, you hate to move quickly or act hastily. Very practical, every effort must count or you can't be bothered. Patient, persistent and steady, but very stubborn -- you can't be pushed or pressured into anything. You seem outwardly self-assured because you tend to repress your inner tension and turmoil. You exude an earthy warmth, friendliness and charm. You demand comfortable surroundings and appreciate the good life. Be careful of a tendency to be overly self-indulgent. At times, you are lazy and difficult to motivate. Overcoming inertia is a problem for you and, because you are not by nature a self-starter, it is often necessary for you to receive stimuli from others in order to get moving.
Sun is in 05 Degrees Scorpio.
Intense and complex by nature, you have extremely strong emotional reactions to most situations. Feelings are often very difficult for you to verbalize. Therefore you have a tendency to be very quiet - - to brood and think a lot. You seldom get overtly angry, but, when you do, you are furious and unforgiving. When you make an emotional commitment, it is total -- you are not attracted to superficial or casual relationships. If you are challenged, you take it as a personal affront and tend to lash out and fight back in a vengeful manner. You love mysteries and the supernatural. A good detective, you love getting to the roots of problems and you enjoy finding out what makes other people tick. You are known to be very willful, very powerful and quite tenacious!
Moon is in 22 Degrees Libra.
Affectionate, warm and friendly, life must be a "beautiful" experience for you. Unpleasantness should be avoided at all costs. You tend to overlook other people's faults and you would rather give in than fight. You are uncomfortable with strangers, but at ease and sociable with friends and associates. Indeed, you would rather socialize than work -- you can use your prodigious charm to avoid unpleasant tasks. You need the support and assistance of another in order to get you started on any new project -- you are not a self-starter. Be careful of a tendency to be overly self-indulgent (i.e., lazy). Your refined aesthetic sensibilities attract you to music, dance, art and any other cultured activity.
Mercury is in 26 Degrees Libra.
You are known for not jumping to conclusions about things. You tend to weigh all possible choices very carefully before making a decision. When in the slightest amount of doubt, you will compromise rather than ruffle any feathers. You are a true raconteur of culture and taste -- your ideas and opinions are neat, elegant and refined. A born diplomat, you dislike discord so much that you will go out of your way to make others feel comfortable and at ease. You speak softly and pleasantly.
Venus is in 21 Degrees Sagittarius.
You are very aware of the need to maintain a high sense of morality in a relationship. Your loyalty and interest will remain constant in any relationship (either friendly, personal or business) that is based on fairness, honesty and justice. But you will become greatly hurt and disappointed if the other person takes any but the high road with you. Also, you cannot tolerate anyone being overly emotionally possessive of you. You are known for your friendly, outspoken manner.
Mars is in 25 Degrees Libra.
You are very aware of the need to cooperate with others in order to further any effort. You are usually willing to compromise with others, although you can be quite competitive in a friendly way. Very fair- minded and impartial, you have the ability to sense injustice and the desire to take corrective actions to make proper compensations. You see both sides of issues and questions, but you tend to be undecided or wavering when forced to make choices that might make you vulnerable or unpopular.
Jupiter is in 10 Degrees Cancer.
You must be emotionally secure in order to grow and develop. You are happiest when your family and community support and nourish you and boost your morale. Whether your childhood experiences of love and emotional dependability were positive or negative will set the tone for your emotional growth and stability as an adult. When you feel at ease with yourself, you are able to offer assistance to those who need a helping hand.
Saturn is in 09 Degrees Capricorn.
Very serious-minded and mature, you have the ability to take on responsibilities and to carry out important duties. You can also be trusted to be extremely practical and thrifty. A good organizer, you are the ideal one to be counted on to take a clearly defined project through to its logical conclusion. An achiever, you pride yourself on your ability to focus your attention totally on some worthy goal and then attain it.
Uranus is in 02 Degrees Capricorn.
You, and your peer group as well, seek out practical solutions to a changing society's attitudes to customs, traditions and authority structures. Your logical and orderly manner of dealing with these matters will result in permanent and carefully planned, but sweeping, reforms.
Neptune is in 09 Degrees Capricorn.
You, and your entire generation, will idealize work, practicality and the ability to attain reasonable goals. But, because you will also stress the need to be selfless and giving, you may find it difficult to attain your goals unless you have lowered your expectations on all fronts.
Pluto is in 14 Degrees Scorpio.
For your entire generation, this is a period of intense research and discovery in areas that were heretofore considered mysterious, remote or taboo. The root causes for many complex occurrences will be unearthed due to the intensity and thoroughness of the search.
N. Node is in 23 Degrees Aquarius.
As long as someone else (or a group or organization) appeals to your intellectual sensibilities, you'll try to ally yourself with them in some way. You may find that you always seem to get involved with many wide-ranging groups -- so much so that you find it difficult to fit them all into your busy schedule. Your many friends and acquaintances provide you with needed stimulation. You're loyal and fair-minded -- you try to spend time equally with all your friends, never concentrating on just one or two for any length of time. Although probably quite conservative yourself, you're attracted to those who are a bit offbeat or eccentric -- you enjoy watching their minds work.
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| After a longwhile |
[05 Feb 2007|06:04pm] |
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Had a relatively fun weekend with ntumun, brings back the sentiments of xslc. Really nice experience, though it ate up the whole days, but what made up for it was being able to once again exercise my spontaneity after a long long while, let loose, meet new and catch up with old friends. But African Union got a little boring after a while though, because most states are so small and fractured, so halfway through day1 I ended up chatting with rachael auyong and the hwach delegation started passing notes of irrelevance. Got to know lots of really interesting quirky people, like togo delegate (gosh i forgot his name), and some of the press peeps. nj bunch was quite quiet but nice people all the same.
but generally i think the most entertaining part was when the newsflashes started to imply China's and US's hypocrisy and all the AU members started lambasting them. Then aysha, tristan, rachael and me declared war on China and the whole session started to become nonsensical. I think overall most entertaining delegate goes to galven, with his soviet antics. Will ask nicol and rach for the photos soon.
Been staring at the really long list of to-dos in my planner. Gosh. I've come to realise than the work doesn't matter, it's more about the drive, focus, motivation and discipline. And right now, I feel lackadaisical.
Help me.
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| The Social Venture - Coexistence of Capitalism and Altruism |
[23 Dec 2006|12:51am] |
Social entrepreneurship seems to be the new direction of community based projects. Seems to me like a good direction to follow through, because as much as people lend themselves towards philanthropy, the work of VWOs will never become infinitely sustainable, the source of the charity dollar being vulnerable to forces like public opinion.
And social enterprises make more economic sense in the area of aiding the less fortunate or the financially marginalized, whilst still combining the moral impetus of human solidarity that currently prompts the senseless transfer of wealth from one group to another. Senseless, because of the more viable and inclusive alternatives such as social enterprises. Senseless, because this transfer/transaction is induced by emotion which can be suppressed by forces like bad press. Senseless, economically, because it's pay for no work done or service rendered.
Whereas the case for movement towards encouraging startups with a social objective serves a pertinent cause, which happens also to reap manifold benefits. Like involvement of the VWO's beneficiaries. Like allowing these beneficiaries to imbibe skills to eke out a living, and through the process learning persistence, determination; trust me, your outlook of life will be more positive. And then you have more and more organizations vying for the attention of the community chest, which in turn vies for more consideration from the folks at the national coffers (or in the Budget, as we more commonly know).
I saw this term in TIME sometime ago, 'Corporate Social Responsibility'. If the social obligations of corporations and businesses are indeed so gargantuan, pertinent and (most important of all) being fulfilled, to the extent of granting corporate legitimacy to the acronym CSR by populist opinion, then perhaps the capitalist way (and by logical deduction, social enterprises) of making things work is one effective solution to today's woes.
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| Portrait of my family. |
[21 Dec 2006|11:46pm] |
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Taking a family portrait/photo is an affair that's anything but a piece of cake. Because everyone wants it to be perfect (meaning looking as best as you can). The respective price tagged to this perfection is as follows: You get thrown into the dilemma of which attire allows you to best exude debonair (it's your overt physical image embodied within a moment after all). Indecisiveness then takes its toil on your psyche because you have a hundred possible fashion permutations with the drawl of cloth rummaged from the closets. You get tired (sure you do), from plastering an artificially natural (no oxymoron intended) smile on your face for extensive periods of time; and composing yourself in poses so foreign to your natural gait but looking surprisingly natural on the reviewing screen.
Does the photographer then attempt to ease the hanging tension? Much to the contrary, the geek-styles they typically employ. But all's forgiven when after four grueling hours, you realize that the hassle's probably not so much of one; you've captured a precious fleeting moment in the history of your family existence.
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| My Winning Chess Game |
[18 Dec 2006|11:45pm] |
When complications arise, what happens next? Sit back, think, calmly, because only through this will you lend yourself to at least a twinge of rationality. I actually thought I possessed that ability to withdraw quickly from the surreality of it all, quietly reassess situations and re-evaluate circumstances. Well, used to. The story's flip-sided now, and I think I've figured out why my brain no longer seems to embrace some degree of rationality, leading to this lacklustre performance of sorts these few weeks(actually, months I think).
One, because of more fear. Two, because one of age's partners is this venom called confusion of priorities (or at least is the case for me). I mulled over it over the past days, and concluded that the first reason can actually be resolved without hard- pressed effort. The second? That will probably be a lifelong ponderance that I'll gladly indulge in through the course of this lifetime.
I thought: have I become more fearful of my environment? But no; to the contrary in fact. It dawns on me that even impetuousness creeps into this decision making process of mine. The actual root is fear of leaving the wrong footprints in this environment cum social framework. And it all stems from the knowledge that in this real world, action and intention cannot be retracted. The subtle line that divides the two (or so I figured), is that fear of environment renders the performing of tasks difficult and the latter takes the form of hesitation in what tasks to undertake in the first place. So they're not mutually exclusive, but you'd be in a pathetic state if you're afflicted by both.
I think I'm living out my life the way I used to play chess/checkers with my siblings when I was a tad younger and perhaps, more immature -- Restart the game once you make a wrong move. What happens is that you'd have a game history of more than 80% victories. I'd have liked to apply this reversal in reality; who wouldn't; but therein lies the trouble. In actuality, I don't think there is anything morally unsound with such a principle in games or even applying it to real-world situations per se, given that the onus here isn't to pass value-judgments on the applications of such a principle. The crux, is the big big problem you face if you fall victim to obsession with perfection. And so I have to grudgingly acknowledge that my past (both candy and poison), is etched forever in stone.
I dread the monster of a thought, that seven, eight or nine decades on, I might be confronted with the numbing reality that I never passed the stage of self- actualization. How much of a legacy have I left behind? Prompt me to consider magnitude. Because even the smallest act could wield starry influence. Just that the argument of magnitude is not convincing enough to swallow -- the numbers are king. It so seems that the correct principle is to dive and move on. Dive and move on, one past the other. No unorthodox risk calculations and consequence projections. One, because it slows you down -- you don't accomplish as much as your potential would allow you to; it steps down the speed of your instantaneous reactions. Two, it shows you demean your confidence and undermine your abilities.
I sort of shrieked silently as I wrote that last sentence. Because it so adequately surmised everything I tried to pen down, just that i never consider what I said from that angle. Yes, it's time to renew this faith in myself, because the removal of an incentive to challenge previously delineated boundaries and the injection of discouragement are both resultant of its lack-of. Right.
The top might have been gibberish that lead me to this last stand. I'am contented with the explanation, I shall go ponder about it. But anyway, I've decided that no one and no situation will undermine me. Just like before. After all, I'am Jeremy Ong. =)
Beautifully surmised.
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| Pensivity |
[03 Jun 2006|12:36pm] |
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It happens, as always, like all other conventions. That intertwining of nostalgia and perpetual reminiscence to give the blues; it's now pre-u sem to the fore. On this hindsight that yesterday's history has afforded me, I reckon this will be one of the 5 most eventful days of my holidays, one of the most memorable seminars of my jc-life -- my groupmates & SLOs, presentation team, those random people whom I played bridge and chatted with, those panel discussions, those q&a questions which caused us to be stumped for words (even fumbling desperately through facts on China and minorities and that sense of self-assuredness didn't help) and all.
That's basically 5 days in a flash. Adieu grp2 semmers and all others which chance has acquainted us with each other! Will see you all around someday. just some group2 photos:
One insight I probably gained, one that confirmed my pre-conceived notions, was that the mechanisms through which policies are erected are not in complete sync with public dictum. Like meritocracy. Like elitism. Well, I cannot pass this value judgement over the merits of official dictum, but one thing for sure, is that deviation for ensured survival renders this a necessary evil. Put yourself in an administration's position and think about it. Fodder for thought.
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